Its been about 3 weeks since I found out the big news and it still doesn’t feel real. I feel like its all made up. I’m wondering when its finally going to set in that I’m expecting and will soon have 2 children! I don’t remember how long it took for me to come to terms that I am pregnant during my 1st pregnancy. I think it will finally hit me when my belly starts showing and is getting big and hard. I am still very nervous and apprehensive on telling people, I still haven’t even told the news to the soon to be grandparents. I talk to my husband daily about when we are going to tell them at times we are close to spilling the beans but then I chicken out. I mean its not such a big deal but then it is! It is another human we are going to be raising! I am so excited and so nervous. I think I am more nervous on my first born still getting the attention and support she needs from me.
So when I told my daughter that I was expecting she broke down to tears and her world came crushing down on her. I felt like the worst mommy ever seeing her cry. I tried hugging and holding her but she just pushed me away. I kept trying to talk to her and tell her that I will still love her and I am always going to be her mommy but she didn’t want to hear any of it. I didn’t know what to do.
I continued to talk to her even though she was crying hysterically and didn’t want to listen, but then I stopped because she said words that just broke my heart.
To give you readers a quick background me and my daughters father split up when she was 2 years old ( 7years ago). We went our separate ways he found a new partner had another child ( 1year old) and recently split with her about 4 months ago. I got married about a year and half ago and now expecting a child with my husband. So my daughter has one half sibling already from her biological father and his ex partner. She had an ok relationship with her dad and his partner before their newborn came along, and then towards end of their pregnancy and delivery it fell apart. My daughter distanced herself and wanted to go over there less.
So back to my story…
When I was talking to my daughter about the pregnancy she was crying hysterically and started to distance herself from me. She was telling to me to let her go and just drop her off somewhere. I told her “no I cannot just drop you off somewhere, you are my daughter my responsibility I love you and need you” I was trying to reassure her I was still there for her but she came at me with “you don’t love me anymore that’s why you guys are having another baby”. My heart started sinking, and it reminded me of when I told her I was getting married.
Another little story: So when I told her I was getting married she was so upset and hurt because she thought she was going to loose me. At that time when I talked to her about the marriage I told her to always talk to me and tell me if she feels like I am not spending enough time with her or if she just wants it to just be me and her. I also told her that she was not getting a new dad, and her father will always be her father. She told me that she didn’t want anymore parents because she already got a new mommy and she didn’t want one. I had to re-assure her that she didn’t get a new mommy just because her father was dating another girl and just because I was getting married DID NOT mean she would get a new dad. I told her she did not and we will not force her to call my husband her dad or step-dad she can call him what ever name she chose. And that made her feel so much better. I had to reinforce her that she will always have only one real dad and one real mom, and no one will ever replace that.
I always try to be as open as possible with my daughter and try to talk to her and hear her thoughts and feelings, so that’s exactly what I decided to do when we were sitting in the car discussing the pregnancy. I had to just shut up and listen to her concerns. So after she said I wouldn’t love her anymore I just shut up and asked her to explain to me why she thought that. It all came down to her previous experience with her father and his second child.
This just still breaks my heart and brings me to tears but she said “you are just going to forget me and push me into the corner and be forgotten, and I will just have to raise myself” At that point I started crying my eyes out and told her “that will never happen, I will never push you in the corner and forget about you! You are my baby my first baby, you will always be my baby, we spent 9years together, just you and me, and I will never be able to replace you.”
There was many more words said to one another after that and endless hugs and kisses and reassurance. But those words she said just stuck to me and made me feel awful that she had to experience that. I never wanted my daughter to feel unwanted and I always wanted to protect her. I felt and still do feel horrible that she had the worst experience with her first sibling.
To this day I don’t want to push the issue and try not to talk about the pregnancy in front of her because I know she is still processing the news. But she has opened up a lot more and has been asking me questions about the baby. Of course I answer her questions and talk to her about it when she wants too, but I am not pushing her to talk about the baby.
She currently knows that we have not told much people because we still want to make sure the baby is ok. So she talks privately about it, but at times she asks if certain people know and I tell her no. I always give her the option though if she wants to tell them now she can. I think giving her the choice of letting people know is a big thing for her, and is helping her accept the pregnancy. Eventually after next Tuesday, a lot more people will know and we will be more open on the news.
Well any who we shall see where this journey goes. And fingers crossed this baby is still healthy and growing.
Until next blog see you..